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Reflections of a Stay-at-Home-Mommy As We Go Into The New Year

This post was originally written for the Rosh Hashanah in September of 2021. I re-wrote it in September 2022. Now we are in the secular New Year and I am finally sharing this very personal reflection.


In reality it applies to any time of year. While I find myself particularly reflective during the Jewish New Year holiday season, it was still helpful to look back at with the starts of the secular New Year. I hope that this post will be something helpful for you too.

 

Written, September 2022.


Last year I found a few minutes to reflect on the previous year. Really, what I had needed was for my brain and body to see in a physical (digital) representation what I was thinking and feeling. And to no surprise I wrote:

"Having found out I was pregnant last year as the sun was setting and we were going into the New Year, there was a clear visible change and shift that the year was going to bring. All of my focus shifted instantly. As much as I was consumed by all that was going on in the world, all of a sudden my body told me I needed to close my electronics, push away my anxiety, and block out anything that wasn't going to help me with my new full time job… sleeping and trying to keep food down. For the next 5 months my life pretty much paused. I didn’t have a choice. I was so sick that the bed, pillow, and barf bags were my best friends.

Cody was doing his very best to take care of me and be as empathetic as possible to his sick pregnant wife, bringing me all of my meals to bed, training our new puppy, and caring for our kitty... well, okay, I don't think the kitty needed him much, as she was very happy that I was snuggled in bed with her all day."


And then, a year later, we had out beautiful baby girl. I originally wrote this blog while she was snuggled next to me, along with the cat and dog. It was the days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. I was a new mom, still am. I was always on the go with learning how to be her mom, while juggling all of the responsibilities that came with a three month old, and I was overwhelmed by being a new home owner and wife of someone who was just starting their career. Our bed was on the floor in the nursery as our bathroom was under renovations. And yet, as exhausted as I was, those days between the holidays encourage reflection, teshuva, and setting new goals. Those ideas were very much needed and refreshing. At least, that is what my original post said, before I just re-wrote it. And to no surprise, I still agree. I needed it just as much this year.



A lot changed this past year, just as it had the year before. I changed in so many ways. And...I also don't feel like it's been a year. I feel like time has gone really fast and really slow. But different then before. I see Laila growing up, the world around us changing, friends and family growing and accomplishing so much and taking steps to fulfill goals. And I feel personally frozen. The world is spinning excessively fast with so much going on that I can't keep up.


logically, I know my life is overall different then a year ago. I know I am a different person, my relationships have shifted, and my day to day life has certainly changed. The only explanation I have for feeling frozen is that nothing else matters as much to me as keeping Laila happy. That doesn't mean she doesn't get upset and have distressing big emotions. Of course she does. She needs those to learn that they are okay and how to feel them. What I mean is my whole world is still all about her. I am trying to find that balance of giving myself me-time. Me time to write, learn, read, and socialize. I have a feeling this is just part of being a mommy and will be a balance I will forever have to figure out.


And this is where those days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur come back in. I was reminded of the importance of acknowledging how some things can seem like such a little change that it almost doesn't matter, when in reality it is a big deal. I was feeling like I didn't accomplish anything that I wanted to this past year. Mainly, I felt like I didn't write and post as much as I wanted to. And that it very true! I am sitting here re-writing my post from last year. So it's a blatant reminder that I didn't follow through on my personal goals of posting twice a month as a minimum.


Almost everyone can relate to this in someway. When you're in school, you have the goals to successfully complete the year, which is broken up into multiple tasks to achieve throughout the year. Ultimately, you end up with a degree. When you're working a standard job or starting up a company, there is the day to day tasks and the larger project overall. Then there is moving up or onto a different role of company as you grow skills and people see that growth. There are stages that are tangible. There are celebrations along the way.


A stay at home mommy/parent doesn't have those external reminders for personal changes and accomplishments. No one is there to see that the household is running, the child(ren) are fed, bathed, watched, taught, played with, etc. There's no bonus, promotion, or celebration (unless you plan it yourself). There is no designated end beyond a functioning home and happy and healthy child. There are stages of development and natural changes in day to day life. And I am not looking for external acknowledgment in those ways. What I needed was to see that I wasn't frozen.


Somehow re-writing this forced me to do just that. It helped me to remember that I had a different way to grow, and that was as a mommy, while also taking care of my emotional and physical well being. And like most mommy's, I have been looking back at Laila's photos and once in a while I found a selfie of us together. She went from spending all day sleeping and eating while snuggled against me, to running in circles around the house chasing Zoey and laughing hysterically. I have celebrated (and mourned) each time she outgrows a stage and into the next skill of life. Why can't I do that for myself? I can do that for everyone around me, but I struggle to accept that there is so much work that goes into being the mommy, wife, daughter, sister, and friend that I want to be.


I gained a whole new identity once Laila was in my arms, and that shifted all my other roles in my other relationships. That's a lot to figure out!


A big takeaway that I am getting while writing this, is that the goals I thought I had from last year, whether I met them or not, doesn't take away from what I have done and didn't know were going to happen. That is why reflecting on what you have done along with what you can do better is so important. If I were to only focus on my original goals, I would feel like I was completely frozen. Or worse, if I only focused on the moments in time that I wish I could undo, take back, or erase from mine and everyone else memories, I would lose my mind. Instead, because I am allowing myself to see what has changed within and around me both intentionally and less noticeably, I can find meaning within myself. I also can pull myself out of the wishes of being able to re-live happy moments by remembering to soak in those special times in the moment (which has actually made me also tear up more often, just publicly now).






There have been so many highs and lows of the past two years for our family. Almost none of which had been planned beyond Laila and Cody graduating/starting work. And when if comes to planing for this year... I will choose to start with our excitement for the plans of seeing Cody's sister and her now husband for the first time in three and a half year and getting to meet their little baby boy, celebrating my sisters upcoming marriage to her high school sweetheart, watching my brother grow his company, and my crying in happiness as Laila keeps growing.


The rest, my personal goals, those are well, personal and to be revealed to me as I continue to reflect and change.


What I know I will take with me as we go into this New Year is the knowledge that there are adventures that we hope for and those that will be unexpected.


xoxo,

Shana Bryn


P.S. While yes, I re-wrote the entire post, the pictures are going to stay from last year because they are just too cute!



Dress: Cara Cara

Laila's Outfit: MiLoves

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