My journey of learning to be kind to myself was one of great shock. It was when I least expected it and most needed it.
As a healer, we put others before ourselves. We get compliments for our selflessness and ability to constantly be there when needed. It feels wonderful to feel accomplished and hear these words of affirmation. But what happens when we run out of fuel and we are in need of our own care. As psychologists, therapists, parents, siblings, caretakers, and humans we are capable of supporting one another, and this is so important. We form and nurture relationships by listening and doing for others, and, it is equally as important to receive.
Allowing myself to create a space to keep myself healthy and thriving was one of the most challenging lessons, and one of the most rewarding. This lesson could not have happened at a worse or better time. Isn’t that often how it is? When we are already stretched so thin, we then have a new task, self care. I thought that taking care of others was my self care, but soon I realized I needed more in my life than being there solely for others.
There I was, starting my first year of graduate school to become a psychologist. I was so ecstatic to be in a highly respected and valued training program. I had worked so hard through high school and then undergrad to get to this point, with countless hours of studying and volunteering. I was so happy.
Despite all that work, it didn’t seem to mater how happy and accomplished I felt. Slowly my body started to tell me something was wrong. At first I had a few stomach pains, then my neck and jaw, and then my back. I figured it must be the stress of school. While I have no doubt I was overwhelmed, after the pain started to increase in level and time, and I couldn't keep my eyes open because I was to tired, I realized I needed outside help. At first it was my own therapy and then it was medical doctor after doctor.
I had just started my second year of school and I finally took my temperature and weighed myself. As someone who was rarely sick, and never worried about my weight, I stepped into the bathroom and was shocked. I had a high fever and lost more than 25 pounds (within a couple of months). I instantly called my parents, and my mom booked a flight out to Denver, Colorado from Florida for the next morning.
Fortunately, a few hours after she landed I had a doctor’s appointment with a Gastroenterologist. Unfortunately, that appointment wouldn't come with any immediate information or relief. The next day was the first time I ever had to go to the emergency room at the hospital, and it would be far form my last.
This is when I needed to start setting limits for myself, a change that was emotionally taxing. All while staying in school and continuing to see clients, I had a slew of diagnoses and medications. I had enough relief majority of the time to still feel competent with my work and education. I was blessed to have had a few supervisors who were supportive and helpful in making sure I was well enough to work as a clinician.
While some were caring and understanding, I lost a number of people who I thought were close friends and mentors. I was made to feel that I was less than as a person, and because I was no longer fulfilling my role as always putting them first, I was told I was a bad friend and student. Being told this hurt to my core. I was a caregiver at heart. I always valued putting others before myself and I was so active to continue to placing others needs ahead of my own, even when I was sick and hurting to badly.
As painful as this was to hear, I started to realize, I can give all of myself and I can still lose relationships, particularly those that are based solely on meeting the needs of others. These relationships were not mutual, and therefore no longer a value to my life.
Therapist-Client relationships are different, just as a parent-child relationship is different. These are weighted heavier in one direction. So those are not the ones I am referring to. I am talking about friendships and romantic partner relationships. It was time for me to evaluate what relationships were most mutual and to add back into my life activities that I enjoyed and needed to stay healthy. And by doing so, I can be better in all my interpersonal relationships.
My new big question became: How can I take care of others by helping them learn to value taking care of themselves, if I don’t take care of myself? Don’t I need to model this?
This question became a statement of purpose and allowed me to have a goal of self-growth, improvement, and love. I remain motivated that by getting myself healthy I can still be a caretaker for others, while acknowledging my limitations and living with my new values.
I hope my blog will be helpful for others in the way that you need. Maybe something I say will help you take care of yourself or be more confident in setting limits for yourself. Or possibly, it will help you understand someone you work with, live with, or care for.
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