Have you ever heard of the Jewish Day of Love?! There is so much we can learn from Tu B'Av and the Jewish concepts of love. I go through the knowledge and tools that we can gain from multi-media (books, movies, music, etc.), psychology, and Torah for creating and sustaining a successful relationships.

During the summer of 2015, I was on the board of the Jewish Outreach Initiative (there is no longer a board as the organization as evolved and grown since). Part of my role was to help coordinate Shabbat dinners by sending e-mails and connecting with other young professionals. One of those dinners was on the Jewish Day of Love, Tu B'Av. The irony from that event was that I (unknowingly) sent Cody an invitation for the dinner since he signed up for out list-serve, and additionally, our director was intending to introduce us. How special would that have been?! Alas, Cody didn’t show, but it’s okay, it makes our story of meeting more interesting.
Along with dinner, it is a custom for someone to give a short speech about that week’s Torah portion during dinner. That night was my turn and I focused on the day’s theme of love.
Thanks to my incessant need to organize and keep every document I have ever written, I found my original speech! And just in time as Tu B'Av is the eve of August 4th.
While I wrote this before my relationship and marriage with Cody, I found it so inspiring to read again. Even though I am a very different person today than I was 5 years ago, the same message still rings true. I truly believe that because I had this information and perspective, I was able to approach our relationship in a way that allowed it to grow into what we have today.
I hope you will enjoy this and maybe learn something along the way!

"In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
What is Jane Austen saying here? What does Love mean? Literature, movies, television, music, they all give us an impression of an ever consuming idea of love. Disney princesses taught me about a love at first sight, a love that has to overcome dragons, evil stepmothers, and most importantly a sea monster. I moved from fairytales to Shakespeare, Jane Austin, and many other authors who portray love as being filled with magnetisms, despite social structure or life circumstances because we want to believe that love conquers all. This romantic idea of love is wonderful! To lose yourself in another, to fall for someone and let the rest of the world just disappear is such an amazing experience. But does that work in the real world, outside of pages filled with words and lyrics? I became so interested in really understanding it that I went to graduate school.
So, what is love according to psychology? I got an answer. But then poof! The magic was gone. I was taught that love is a feeling caused by the release of pheromones and endorphins. It is from increased heart rate when in a scary and new situation.
I didn’t like this answer, so I kept searching for a different explanation. Eventually I found something I could accept and work with; Love is composed of three things: intimacy, passion, and commitment. When I tried to find this in mainstream literature, I struggled to find something that included commitment.
This posed a huge problem. When people do not experience the romanticized love (only passion and intimacy) that we are inundated with by the media, they are left confused and lost. This happens because as humans, we falsely start to think that all that is needed for a good relationship is passion and intimacy. However, once there is an understanding about the importance of the third pillar, commitment, the relationship is strengthened which allows for the development of the feelings of passion and intimacy.
While I greatly enjoy reading stories filled with the two aspects of passion and intimacy, I wanted to find something to read involving all three. So, where can I find stories about commitment that are not in boring textbooks? Who dares to explore such a scary concept? Jewish teachings do! In fact, they teachings explore all three.
Judaism defines love as a choice. It is to choice to be committed to one another. This happens by doing things for and choosing to see each other as a good person. The more you give to that special person, the more you love, because the more you give the more you are invested in them.
We are constantly told in the ten commandments to love yourself, your partner, your parents, and your neighbor. It is easier to do this when you see the good in them. When you focus on the good, you are able to work through the every day challenges that your relationship faces.
When you choose to love someone it is about focusing on their virtues because to find your soulmate you need to include more than just passion and intimacy. It is the commitment to get to know someone on a deeper level and work through the hard times that makes a relationship last and enjoyable. This may sound boring, but I don't think it is. You may ask, doesn’t there reach a point when you know everything about the other person? If that were the case, there wold be no need for psychologists! There is always something new to learn about the person you love. And that is so exciting.

This is the perfect day to talk about the concept of love because today is Tu B’Av, the Jewish day of love. Why is Tu B’Av the Jewish day of love? The Mishnah says, on this day, the community girls would dress in white to all look the same. There would therefore be no preference made based on appearance. The girls would sing and dance, and hopefully meet their soulmate that night. The night encompassed passion, intimacy, AND commitment.
This story shows us how it is important to choose a spouse based on immediate attraction that is fueled by passion and intimacy, as well as the unifying factor of commitment. “To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect.” A perfect quote from Venus in Arms.
This concept is paralleled with the Torah portion of the week which reminds us about the covenant between G-d and the Jewish people. The teachings of the Torah and Ten commandments are reviewed. These were the same components leading up to entering into the land of Israel.
How is it paralleled? The Mishnah and Torah each explore the importance of commitment. When leaving Egypt, the Jewish people watched the sea split and experienced so many other miracles that there was lots of excitement with was fueling passion. There was also intimacy because there was vulnerability; The Jewish people’s lives were in the hands of G-d for survival in the desert. After all the miracles and the life sustaining support that G-d provided, they were able to enter the land of Israel, but not until committing to putting in the work to maintain a relationship with G-d. This relationship is always growing and it is through learning, like tonight, the relationship is sustained.
Tu B’Av is a day to remind yourself of the importance of commitment. Both the commitment with G-d and faith, as well as commitment in relationships. It is only then that we can experience elevated levels of passion and intimacy.

So I leave you with this quote. One of only a couple examples of the importance of passion, intimacy, and commitment found in literature. "So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day…", The Notebook.
Xoxo,
Shana Bryn
Photos were taken by a friend while we were visiting him in State College, PA.
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